General Life Rant (have to pour this somewhere)

You don’t have to read this if you don’t want to, I’m just kvetching and feeling sorry.

I had been feeling so good, finally. Go-getter-ish. I wasn’t pretending to be chirpy. I caught a migraine then, and it’s been three days and it’s only getting worse. I took an Imitrex early this morning because I had it, and it dropped my blood pressure to a crazy place. Considering that rapid drop a few months ago, I’m thinking this might be prefacing another one. It takes a lot longer to type. It takes a lot longer to speak. My emotions are…unstable is too light a word. I’m angry a lot at nothing. The other day I just started ranting and I was so angry it hurt. And all about nothing. I’ve never been particularly pleasant, but I’d like to think that I was never this way.

I’m up right now because I got tired of getting up out of bed, dragging myself to the kitchen to microwave my hot pack, and then dragging myself back to bed. My husband makes good money doing a job he enjoys but that keeps him out to all hours. And when he’s home, it’s likely he’ll be on call. It’s hard to hate on him, but sometimes you can’t help but be selfish.

My stepfather…recently former stepfather…got an offer on the ranch I grew up on. It’s been a long time coming, and it needs to happen; when Grand-père Joe passed it all went to hell, and when Mom had had enough it went somewhere worse. My Katie is off with another family. Has been for years. I wonder if she remembers me. She’s eighteen years old, now. She’s a cowhorse, just like she was meant to be. She had to learn English, but she’s smart for a horse. I know she picked it up. But still. That was where I grew up. Where my mini long-haired dachshund – my little Pidgey – spent days under the pear tree biting at the mockingbirds who’d try and fuck with her before sneaking off to swim in the neighbor’s fishing tank. And Rusty-dog, who was gun-shy and couldn’t go hunting, but was still a champion mouser. And Schatzie, who was just Schatzie. They’re all passed. The place isn’t what it was.

Maybe I’ve mentioned this before, but I don’t get the fun stuff for people with relapsing-remitting. An IV drip and go out and go hiking, ya rascal! Pretty much from the outset it’s been an IV drip twice a year and palliative care in between. I’m unusual in that the lesions are mostly in my brain rather than in my spine. I need crutches most of the time, but beyond that and the tremors, I’m fine, motion-wise. Nobody will outright give me a straight answer, but I know it’s fucking with my preexisting mental issues.

I’m in CK because it’s mindless, repetitive work, and the monk robes will be out soon. Erelim needs thought, and I dunno if y’all have had days-long migraines, but that shit’s hard to do.

Shit’s wearing down. And it’s a bitch and a half wondering when the other shoe will finally hit the floor. It’s been dropped, but it just hasn’t hit yet. How high up was it? It feels like everything is ending, but the next page isn’t turning like they keep saying it will.


Rei’s next chapter is soon. New mod, too. Sorry for the rant. Here’s a Clavicus.


  • jumarbye 1

    No need to apologize for ranting – that's the beauty of having your own blog. Your blog, your content. And being ill for days on end….is. No. Fun. It's good to hear you've found a little something to occupy your mind – that little glow of light that helps keep darkness at bay. Hopefully.

    None of my migraines ever lasted longer than one day, so I absolutely cannot imagine what three days feels like. Well, except I expect it feels like total shit. I'm so sorry you're going through this (wish my being sorry helped you. Just…stay strong (easy for me so say) So hard to find the right words! I suspect there aren't "right words". Maybe right drugs?

    So, sending a mental hug your way.


  • RefurbMadness

    Thanks for your words, they do help. I figure if they're not obviously "wrong" words they must be right 😛 Lord, I don't wish these migraines on anyone. One day is too long, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it, too.

    I feel like I should say something else, but. It's hard to brain. lol

    Thanks for the hug, sending one right back <3

  • syl

    I’m relieved to hear from you, I’ve been worried. Three days of migraine sounds like hell. … truthfully I can’t imagine a place where time in CK is … uh … fun (cue angry screaming) so .. yeah. I hope you feel better soon. Looking for award to the new stuff.

  • RefurbMadness

    I'm still here, sorry to have worried you. I haven't had a lot to say that's not depressing and awful, it's just been back and forth to bed picking and pecking at this mod while wearing sunglasses. And trying to replace my blood with Diet Coke while ignoring the Pedialyte I'm supposed to be drinking like a chump.

  • syl

    Yuuuck! Isn't there anything better you can rehydrate with?

    idk… Sangria?

    Oh– is that the mod which you have to have Grey Cowl for? That egyptian thing? that one is cool.

  • RefurbMadness

    Oh my god sangria. Alcohol's a migraine trigger, unfortunately. And it's completely erratic so I could down a fifth of Jack and be 100% fine or take half a sip of a Zima and be laid out for a week. Life sucks and I hate it.

    No, although that one's loaded up on my thief…I haven't played it since it was first released, so I'm eager to see what's been improved upon. But this mod right here is Amarna. I wish the author had tried a bit harder in the resolution department and didn't have an obviously raging boner for Anput but what can ya do.

  • syl

    Mhm. Well, I would have gone to visit, but SLAL broke (why) and what the hell Skyrim. I wonder if I've got any other mods not reading .json files. Probably. Shudder.

    So maddening.

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