Farewell and Goodnight

This comes on the heels of my last, rather melt-downy post, and as such it probably seems too soon, but I think this is The Time. My life is in a cycle of change right now, and I think that last post was the last of the demons.

I put a lot of myself into the thoughts and opinions and expectations of other people. It’s been a lifelong thing, and I’m sure there’s more than a few out there who grew up with parents who sunk their own worth into your performance, and thus created in you a deep desire to perform and to perform flawlessly, to please other people at your own expense. As you might imagine – if you’re not among that subset of people – it’s tiring. It’s tiring, and it hurts. When my husband brought up monetization however long ago that was, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. And, much the way I did when my own back was broken, I walked around on it until I couldn’t anymore.

The funny thing about that need to perform is that you’ll push, and you’ll push, and you’ll push, and you’ll make yourself miserable and stressed-out and damaged. Any normal person would just stop. I mean. Why wouldn’t you stop an optional thing that’s ruining your life? That’s common sense, right? No. I needed my husband to say, when Discord was posing some issue I couldn’t stand, “So stop doing it!”

And I did. I hit delete, confirmed the decision, and now my server is gone.

And when I vomited that last post, and when I woke up this morning, I felt so free. And I spoke with a friend who said he was glad I’d made this breakthrough, that admitting that modding wasn’t fun anymore. That I felt trapped and pressured and scared.

So, as I continue to cope with my dog’s passing, as other doors have opened up, as I’m seeing the light after many years under a pile of misguided thoughts, it’s time for me to stop.

It’s been fun, it really has been. Modding has been an adventure, and I’ve met so many kind and wonderful people on that adventure, people I could never repay for their support and their kindness. But I’m tired. Tired of modding, Skyrim, all of it.

Regarding ko-fi, since it was instituted so recently, when I had no idea this was going to happen, I will be happy to refund any donation you may have made. Just email me with the name associated with your PayPal and I’ll see to it you get your money back.

All my mods will stay up, here for the forseeable future. I plan to use this hosting space to blog for another hobby of mine, so this one won’t be going anywhere.

I’m always open to chat with those of you who were kind to me, and who want to. If you want to get in touch:

  • Email: refurb@furbs.blog
  • Steam: Cute Li’l UFO (or tifosabella, I can never remember which one Steam wants lol)
  • Twitter: @TheRealFurb
  • Discord: Pulseczar#5118

Thank you to everyone for making everything you see here possible. I do love you all very much, and I hope I made your escapism just a little bit better.

See you later,

Shannon, aka RefurbMadness

 

 

10 Comments

  • Qewbix

    I’m sorry to hear that you won’t be doing mods anymore, but at the same, I’m glad that you’re stepping down to work on you and grieve. No need to continue doing something you no longer enjoy. I will probably send you screenshots once and awhile cuz, hey, why not lol Your mods helped me through some hard times and I always looked forward to them. For that, I thank you!

    • RefurbMadness

      Please do send screenshots! I’m happy to know that my mods helped you, and humbled. And since I’m here, I did get your last batch, but was not in the best shape to reply. I’ll do so properly in a little while, but for now know that they were vurreh nice 😉 My inbox is always open to your bois! And you, of course 😉

      Loves!!

  • Sym

    I hope life settles down for you and you can find peace. Seems to me you had alot of fires going, hopefully you will be able to let go and relax.
    Thanks again for all your work. take care

    • RefurbMadness

      You’re so welcome, Sym, and thank you. Already I think things are looking up. I have a new hobby I’m about to jump into that involves a form of creativity I haven’t in a while, and it things I do, I feel, on my own terms. I know all this was mostly on my own terms, but as mentioned that’s sometimes hard to recognize.

      In any case, thank you again for your support and your niceness. It’s very much appreciated, and it won’t be forgotten. *big hugs*

  • themiscyra

    Not going to lie, I will definitely miss seeing your Rei and the beautiful mods you made in your screenshots. But when something is taking up so much time to the point of causing so much stress and affecting your mental health, it is time to stop and take care of yourself first. I hope you will do something for you that bring you joy and not because of feeling pressured or expectations from others.

    I hope we can still stay in touch though, I do enjoy the brief time I spent in your Discord server. Thank for making me feel welcomed.

    Take care.

    • RefurbMadness

      I’m just very happy you came along to hang out. I sent you a friend request on Discord, and accepted yours on Steam so keeping in touch is definitely on the menu 😀 I dunno when you read this blog post but if you’re wondering who “Pulseczar” is on Discord it’s me x3

      Until then, thanks for your support, and I’m glad you felt welcomed. That’s all I wanted for people 🙂

  • RyanMayfair

    I’m going to miss your creativity, talent, and skill – I’ve used so many of your outfits for my characters because the guys always look so *good* in them. However, if it’s not being fun any more, you’re right to stop – nobody needs the grief of slaving away at something they no longer enjoy doing, and your health and peace of mind are what’s important, not modding, Skyrim, or anybody else’s wants or desires. Be well, be happy, be at peace with yourself. Thanks for everything over the years – now go be happy! 🙂

    • RefurbMadness

      Thank you 🙂 I feel free like I haven’t in a long, long time, but people like you did make my efforts worth the time. And you even helped fix a mod! 😛 I hope your boys will continue to have fun in their clothes. I’m not too far away, though, should you ever want to say hello!

      All the love <3

  • MateredDyn

    I know I never really posted on here but I have been following your mods since they showed up on Nexus! They made my game beautiful and I hope everything you are doing from here on out is what you want to do! I agree with if you are no longer happy, stop. It was a hobby and now sometimes it is time to find a new one!! Best of luck!

    • RefurbMadness

      Thank you, Materddyn 🙂 I’m humbled and gladdened my mods could make your game more beautiful, and your endorsements on my screenshots always made me smile. I’ll always be happy that the things Skyrim led me to do touched others in some fashion. Thank you again for the well wishes and for stopping by. Perhaps our quiet paths might meet again 🙂

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