This comes on the heels of my last, rather melt-downy post, and as such it probably seems too soon, but I think this is The Time. My life is in a cycle of change right now, and I think that last post was the last of the demons.
I put a lot of myself into the thoughts and opinions and expectations of other people. It’s been a lifelong thing, and I’m sure there’s more than a few out there who grew up with parents who sunk their own worth into your performance, and thus created in you a deep desire to perform and to perform flawlessly, to please other people at your own expense. As you might imagine – if you’re not among that subset of people – it’s tiring. It’s tiring, and it hurts. When my husband brought up monetization however long ago that was, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. And, much the way I did when my own back was broken, I walked around on it until I couldn’t anymore.
The funny thing about that need to perform is that you’ll push, and you’ll push, and you’ll push, and you’ll make yourself miserable and stressed-out and damaged. Any normal person would just stop. I mean. Why wouldn’t you stop an optional thing that’s ruining your life? That’s common sense, right? No. I needed my husband to say, when Discord was posing some issue I couldn’t stand, “So stop doing it!”
And I did. I hit delete, confirmed the decision, and now my server is gone.
And when I vomited that last post, and when I woke up this morning, I felt so free. And I spoke with a friend who said he was glad I’d made this breakthrough, that admitting that modding wasn’t fun anymore. That I felt trapped and pressured and scared.
So, as I continue to cope with my dog’s passing, as other doors have opened up, as I’m seeing the light after many years under a pile of misguided thoughts, it’s time for me to stop.
It’s been fun, it really has been. Modding has been an adventure, and I’ve met so many kind and wonderful people on that adventure, people I could never repay for their support and their kindness. But I’m tired. Tired of modding, Skyrim, all of it.
Regarding ko-fi, since it was instituted so recently, when I had no idea this was going to happen, I will be happy to refund any donation you may have made. Just email me with the name associated with your PayPal and I’ll see to it you get your money back.
All my mods will stay up, here for the forseeable future. I plan to use this hosting space to blog for another hobby of mine, so this one won’t be going anywhere.
I’m always open to chat with those of you who were kind to me, and who want to. If you want to get in touch: